A Noise Complaint for Vincent Darktower


"Alright everyone." The Mayor began "The first thing we have on the schedule for this lovely evening is a noise complaint from the neighbors of Vincent Darktower. Thank you for being present and prepared today Mr. Darktower."

The hooded figure standing at the podium in front of The Mayor slowly nodded and shuffled a stack of papers in front of him. Upon touching them one spontaneously caught fire and quickly burned to ash.

"Mr. Darktower it seems that your neighbors are concerned that you have..." The mayor gently lifted the golden chain which held her glasses to her neck, "…illegally summoned an immortal deity from an unspeakable hell dimension. Now, I know we haven't allowed any permits for that since the Scion of the Scorched Earth stopped by for the bicentennial celebration. Your neighbors claim that the illegally summoned deity constantly blares death metal music and roars - ON'GOTH THE DECAPITATOR IS YOUR GOD. UNCLEAN ONES WORSHIP ME! - at 3am sharp daily."

She removed her glasses, "Do you have a response to these accusations Mr. Darktower?"

"Yes Madam Mayor. First, might I say you're looking lovely today."

"I'd rather look powerful and terrifying Vincent. Now, did you summon said immortal deity?"

"No Madam Mayor it was my daughter Vanessa Darktower. She's been dabbling a little in necromancy lately."

A resounding "aaawwwwww" ruffled through the crowd.

"Yes, we're all very proud of course, but it would seem she took a bit of a liberal hand with her summoning recently. Vanessa, honey, please stand up."

A smaller hooded figure in the front row stood and timidly shuffled into place behind her father.

Vincent said, "Vanessa would like to personally apologize to the town for the trouble that she's caused, wouldn't you dear?"

Vanessa's small hood bobbed up and down deliberately.

"However, in doing some research on our family tree." Vincent unrolled one of the documents he had on hand. "I did find that we are direct descendants of an escaped sex slave of On'goth The Decapitator, which makes him a visiting relative. City code 992 clearly states that visiting relatives do not need a permit for inter-dimensional summoning."

"Jerry, please bring me the document in question."

"Already brought ma'am", she looked down to see the document resting in front of her.

"Perfect, Jerry." She picked up and perused the documents. "Hm…well…yes, everything seems to be in order here. Is Mr. The Decapitator present?"

A twelve foot tall, six horned, demi-god, who had been sitting near the back of the room, stood. Well, he mostly stood. He had to bend his head to keep his horns from scraping the ceiling.

"Present." He called in a voice that wove terror into the spines of most mortals.

"Mr. The Decapitator, do you think you could possibly do your war cries at a later hour of the day, as a courtesy to Mr. Darktower's neighbors?"

"It is traditional to announce myself to the world at the hour of the beast each day, but I understand that in your world things are different and I am.." he sniffled, wiping a tear the size of basketball away from his gigantic eye. "I am just so glad to be reconnecting with my family. I will do whatever is required to remain on this petulant plain of existence."

"Gorgeous, we're a little over on time so let's be moving on. Thank you Mr. Darktower and Mr. The Decapitator."

"I LOVE YOU DARKTOWERS!" cried On'goth.

"We love you On'goth!" The Darktowers cried in reply as they gathered for a family hug.


Some days I love my job, thought The Mayor.