I am a legitimate adult. I own my own home, I cook myself healthy meals sometimes when we’re all out of frozen pizza, and I have jogged before! I don’t drink or smoke, unless it’s the weekend then baby all bets are off. I do have one vice. There is one thing that haunts me. One thing that keeps me up at night, and that thing is the television program Pretty Little Liars. It’s my sexy Heath Ledger cowboy. I just do not know how to quit it. Why couldn’t I have a cool secret shame like a pill addiction, or a bunch of murders?
I know it’s not a good show. My intellectual brain knows that when A drugs Hannah at the dentist and puts a note in her teeth, that is ridiculous, but some part of my weird monkey brain loves it! When someone paid a fertility doctor to impregnate Allison, who was in a mental institution, with Emily’s eggs; adult me is going, what? But monkey brain me is going WWWHHHAAATTTT!!! I don’t just enjoy Pretty Little Liars I love this show in an almost romantic way. I think about it all the time.
When I’m doing the dishes I’m like “hey, how come Noel Kahn got his head cut off and all The Liars were there but they never got accused of that murder?” When I’m taking a shower I suddenly think, “whatever happened to that ghost girl in Hannah’s house?” When I meet new people and they say what’s your favorite television show I say “GAME OF THRONES DEFINITELY GAME OF THRONES DON’T ASK ANYMORE QUESTIONS.” While secretly my heart whispers PLL forever baby.
We don’t even call it Pretty Little Liars in this house; my husband calls it shame show. As in “Liddy can’t talk right now her shame show is on. She’ll call you back in one hour, or if something sad happens whenever she stops crying.” I have friends who ask, “What is shame show, is it cupcake wars or something?” and I laugh in their faces. Is it cupcake wars? I would KILL to be obsessed with cupcake wars. Maybe then I would learn an actual skill from my shame show, like how to make a delicious cupcake! All Pretty Little Liars teaches me is how to repeatedly make poor life decisions.
I recently learned that my nightmare is about to come to an end. After 7 season, 160 hours I will soon be free! I just assumed it would go on forever. Every Tuesday my husband would say, “you don’t have to do this sweetie” and I would say, “darling, I must know if Caleb and Hannah get back together or I shall surely parish.” I just assumed Pretty Little Liars was one of those shows that can never truly be killed. I thought it was a Litch television series.
As the end of the series approaches I am relieved to be free of this burden but I also have so many worries. What if Aria marries Ezra instead of punching him in the face with a fistful of Jason’s perfect hair? What if I can never love another TV show as much as I love this one? What if I’m trapped in a hell dimension and the show just starts all over again from season one. What if the show never really ends? I’ve heard talk recently of a spinoff based on Allison, but I think I could have the strength to avoid it. I think that, but my monkey brain…oh shit.