Apparently the self-help book The Secret is being made into a movie. Currently it’s being written by some hack named Bekah Brunstetter who has worked on This Is Us, and has rockin bangs, and generally looks like she would be my best friend if we ever met in real life. However, our future definite best friendship is in jeopardy because as soon as I heard The Secret was being made into a movie, I knew this story was inside of me just waiting to come out. So, I’m sorry Bekah Brunstetter. I’m sure you’re great but I’m about to steal your job. I’ve taken what we already know about the premise of the movie, which is this:
The film will center on a hard-working widow with three children who hires a handyman to fix her house during a terrible storm. When not doing home repairs, he shares his philosophy of believing in the power of the universe to deliver what we want.
With my extremely limited knowledge of what The Secret is about. This has resulted in the best movie pitch that has or will ever exist. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lydia Bugg’s The Secret Starring Katy Holmes.
EXT- THE UNIVERSE
A comet shoots through the sky, rocketing past majestic swirling planets, fading stars, and black holes. We pause on a desolated planet where the silhouette of a woman and child holding hands is visible. The comet continues on for some time, eventually passing Earth. We pause here and zoom in on the planet, then on the United States, then on Texas, then on Wegefarth county, then Big Hat Village, finally stopping on a crumbling Victorian home.
Outside the home stands our protagonist KATIE HOLMES (38) (a Katie Holmes type). In her arms is her beautiful young daughter SURI (8) (not necessarily played by Suri in the same way Katie Holmes does not necessarily have to play Katie Holmes if she doesn’t like my creative direction). Next to her is her mother DAME HELEN MIRREN (40) (a Judy Dench type). Katie looks sadly at the home as her mother berates her over what a burden it is to have a daughter with such an ugly home. She then tells Katie to get it fixed or she is fired from being her daughter and she will not pay for Suri’s Fly Fishing classes like she promised she would.
Katie Holmes explains to her mother that she would like to fix up her house, but ever since the Big Hat hat plant, which manufactured those big hats Texas people like so much, closed down her family has been struggling. Also her husband recently died in tragic Big Hat related accident and she was planning to sue the hat plant but they went bankrupt and now she can’t sue them. Her mother is all, “I know Katie Holmes. Everyone in town is struggling since the Big Hat plant closed, but you’ll just have to make due like everyone else or I will daughter divorce you and Suri will never learn how to properly cast and then she will be homeless.” Dame Helen Mirren then disappears in a puff of smoke.
Katie Holmes goes into her crappy house where there is a blue crib with two baby boys in it. She picks up one and then the other, kissing them on the head. It’s very emotional. She is so desperate for money she has decided to sell her twin boys on eBay in order to fix up the house. We see her lovingly pack them into a box and hand them to a UPS man.
THREE WEEKS LATER
Katie Holmes has now recovered from the loss of her twin baby boys and is ready to start looking for someone to fix her house. She is flipping through the yellow pages when there is a knock on her door. It’s a handyman looking for work. What luck! His name is Splurch and he’s naked but for a pair of very tiny cutoffs almost smaller than his large tool belt, which for some reason only holds wrenches.
At first Katie is skeptical but Splurch offers her a great price and eventually she accepts. He begins to work on her house, and even saves her money by repurposing parts of the twin boys crib as building material. Katie brings him sandwiches and lemonades sometimes and they talk. One day he casually asks Katie if she knows The Secret. “What Secret?” Katie replies. Her mother enters the room to yell at Katie about how her hair is ugly. Splurch quickly exits the room as Katie apologizes for her ugly hair.
Soon the house is finished and it’s time for Splurch to leave. Katie is very sad to see him go. Before he leaves he asks her if she thinks she could ever stand up to her mother? Katie Holmes says no and he turns to go. She yells “wait! Maybe I could if you had some sort of secret tip for me.” He smiles.
“Oh, I’ve got a secret tip.”
BAM Katie and Splurch are suddenly teleported to a Himalayan mountaintop. Katie shivers but even in his tiny shorts Splurch does not appear cold. “My name is not Splurch, sweet Katie Holmes. My name is Splurchawerchmomgimgam, and I am the last of my kind. I have been watching you for some time, Katie Holmes. Much tragedy has befallen you and the town of Big Hat. I will show you the ways of my people so that you, the kindest, purest woman in all of Big Hat can rectify what has been done to it and defeat it’s greatest evil.
Splurch gets on his knees and whispers in Katie’s ear. CUT TO: A training montage. Katie climbs the mountain with Splurch. Katie fights a baby goat. Katie sews Splurch a shirt from the baby goat’s skin. By the end she is feral, and snow-covered, but she has found herself. Splurch smiles as he places a hand on her shoulder. “You are ready Katie Holmes. Go fourth and save the town of Big Hat, but remember, always remember the secret.”
Katie reappears in her living room where Suri sits sobbing amongst discarded cereal boxes. Suri asks her mother where she has been. Katie has been gone for weeks leaving Suri to steal food and water to survive. She has been eating almost nothing but dry cereal for weeks. At night the rats came for her, until she started eating them as well. Katie is upset that Suri looks so haunted. At first she is distressed but then she remembers her training. “You are not traumatized by the last few weeks Suri,” she says, and suddenly Suri is visibly better.
She stands up straight and removes her hair from its pony tail. “You’re right mom! I’m not traumatized at all. In fact, I think eating rats made me a stronger person.” They hug. “The only bad thing about you being gone is that Grandma said she wasn’t going to waste her money on fly fishing lessons for a smelly orphan and the big fly fishing contest is today!” Katie is pissed that her mom wouldn’t take care of Suri while she was at her training.
She grabs Suri and they drive down to the fly-fishing contest. Katie tells Suri that she is the best fly fisher in the world so it becomes true and Suri wins the contest. All of the other kids who spent weeks preparing are super bummed. Except one little boy who asks Katie if he can marry Suri to which Katie explains Suri’s dowry will be very high since she is such a good fly fisher and he is probably too poor to afford her.
Suddenly, Katie’s mother appears from nowhere and begins to berate her for abandoning her daughter. Katie tells her she will stop talking in her best the secret voice but her mother just keeps going, berating Katie until she is curled in a ball on the ground. “No” Katie screams. “You have to do what I say. That’s the secret mother. You must obey the secret.” Splurch appears in front of Katie, shielding her from her mother but her mother pulls a spear out of her purse and stabs him. His blood spurts all over Katie.
Katie holds the dying Splurch in her arms. “You will live!” she yells, but he shakes his head.“Sweet Katie Holmes, I lied to you when I said I was the last of my kind. Your mother is one of us as well. She is the only person on earth immune to the secret. You must defeat her, or the universe is doomed. Remember your training.” With that he dies in Katie’s arms.
"NNNNOOOOOOO," Katie Shrieks.
“So, Splurch told you the secret” her mother cackles. “Well that doesn’t matter. For years I’ve been growing strong from feeding off your sorrow. I pushed that big hat display over on your husband, then when it looked like you might get some money from suing the factory I ordered a whole bunch of big hats and didn’t pay for them so the company would go bankrupt, I made you sell your sons on Ebay to pay for Suri’s fly fishing lessons, and now I’m going to eat your daughter!” Dame Helen Mirren grabs Suri and opens her jaw super monster wide. Suri screams.
“I cannot affect you, but I can effect the world around you mother!” Katie yells. “A tree branch will fall on you but it will miss Suri and she will fly into my arms. Then lightning will strike the branch and it will catch fire. Then a satellite will fall on you and a nuclear bomb will also fall on you but Suri and I will be teleported far away to safety on another planet with only your charred corpse to keep us company!” Katie screams. WHITE OUT.
Katie Holmes stands on the desolated planet from the beginning of the movie. Recent smoking ruins are visible in the distance behind her. She is eating a piece of charred meat with the bone protruding from it. Suri approaches her from behind with a tiny version of the meat snack in hand. “This is delicious mother.” She says. “What is it?”
Katie Holmes gnaws off a large grisly piece. “It’s your Grandmother,” she says. Suri is momentarily taken aback. Katie Holmes squats down in front of her. “Someday you will learn that you only become stronger by ingesting the flesh of your enemies.” She places a hand on Suri’s cheek. “Someday you will learn THE SECRET.” FADE TO BLACK