Ghost Buster's Buster
"And now by the power vested in me via form 376c, I hereby summon the spirit of Nathaniel Lee Gasp to appear before us," The Mayor read aloud. The sheet of 8 and a half by 11 inch paper she was holding caught fire and burned a deep black color until nothing was left of it but a pile of ash. From that ash grew the spectral shape of the defendant Nathaniel Gasp.
"Thank you Madame Mayor for presenting me the opportunity to speak on my own behalf."
"Of course Mr. Gasp. Please keep it to a tight two minutes."
"Love is a many splendid thing, madam mayor" he began, instantly launching into an obviously prepared speech. "As you can see from my stunning good looks, I died a young man." He appeared to be about 45, a hard lived 45 at that. "Too young to have known the many wonders of true love."
"Pish," muttered the widow Jenkins, before she was quickly silenced by a look from The Mayor.
"So, as you can imagine, I was always interested when a beautiful young woman came to live at the Jenkins' mansion, where I eternally reside. I would often hope that some lovely maiden might find herself befalling an accident similar to my own."
"Similar in what way Mr. Gasp?" asked The Mayor.
"Well, you know, a few women died at the mansion over the years, but it was always something dreadful, like being scalded, or thrown from a horse. I preferred a young lady unmarred by the physical blemishes one so often attains in death."
"So, I hoped and wished for a bout of scarlet fever that would leave any young woman merely with an attractive blush in the afterlife, or a bout of dysentery, perhaps a light poisoning, anything of the internal nature really. Until recently, when the widow Jenkins' daughter Lillian turned 18 and I decided I could not wait but a moment more for my chance at love. So I pushed her off the balcony, lovingly. Then, I tenderly dropped a chandelier on her. Finally, I caressed her salad with strawberries, which I know she's allergic to."
"So you killed the widow Jenkins' daughter and that's how we ended up in this situation?" The Mayor asked.
"No, no, indeed. For you see, my Lillian has a constitution stronger than most mortal women and she walked away from each incident unscathed."
"That's not true!" cried the widow Jenkins. "The strawberries made her itchy. She was very uncomfortable."
"So that's why we're in this situation. Your daughter was made itchy?" asked The Mayor.
"No mother can stand to see her daughter in discomfort madam mayor. What else can I say? There was something strange in my neighborhood so I called the Ghostbusters."
"BOOOOOO!" shouted the townspeople, this evening, an audience of about 40% ghosts.
"Ghosts are a valued group in our community Mrs. Jenkins. We can't have these men here just busting them willy nilly. Why, my very own hairdresser Sheer-eye Sheila was on her way to work this morning when BAM she was busted."
"I understand, Madam Mayor." Mrs. Jenkins said.
"Good, I certainly must insist you don't make this mistake again. However, I agree with you that this ghost is awful and should be disposed of. Jerry please see to it immediately. Then call in the Ghost Buster Busters to clean up Mrs. Jenkins' mess. Mrs. Jenkins you will pay the Ghost Buster Busters' fee of $375 dollars and one sentient ventriloquist dummy."
Mrs. Jenkins nodded and the next piece of business was hastily addressed.