Pizza Zombies


Thank you everyone for coming out tonight. Let’s get right to it” said The Mayor as she took her usual seat at the head of the council table. “The council has been receiving a myriad of complaints about local business Pizza Pete’s friendly Pizza and Exorcism Emporium, located off highway 666 next to the Arby's.  Tonight we’ll hear first from concerned citizen Mrs. Dignity Cressworth."

“Thank you Madame Mayor,” Dignity replied as she adjusted her floppy sun hat over her protruding horns. "I would like to begin by saying that I morally object to zombie labor in all forms but at Pizza Pete’s the zombies are treated truly apprehensively. They aren’t given food or water and they are literally chained to the hot pizza oven day in and day out."

“Zombies don’t eat food or water. They eat brains, which is why we chain them to the pizza oven,” countered local businessman Dexter Vortex.

“You’ll get your turn to rebut Mr. Vortex,” The mayor chastised. “Please continue Mrs. Cressworth."

“Oh, that’s all I had really, but I would like to bring up another concerned citizen, The Liar.” She stepped away from the microphone, hovering off to the left as a blue skinned demon with red eyes replaced her at the mike. 

“I. love. Pizza. Petessssssss.” he hissed in a low manic tone, taking deep breaths between each word. The Mayor appeared confused. 

Dignity leaned in to clarify “Madam Mayor I think it’s important to note that The Liar is a demon who can only speak in lies. His testimony will have to be taken to mean the opposite of whatever he says."

“Is this true Mr. Liar?”

“No,” huffed the blue skinned demon. 

“You may proceed,” conceded the Mayor. 

“Pizza. Petes. Is. Lovely” replied The Liar. “I never go there. They always get my order right. I never found an eyeball on my pizza where a pepperoni should be.”

“Are you saying you found an eyeball on your pizza Mr. Liar?”


“Most distressing, but I have to wonder now that Mrs. Cressworth has pointed out that you only speak in lies by lying are you actually revealing the truth or are you lying?" She leaned across the podium and gave the demon the full brunt of her mayoral gaze. 

“I…I must. only. lie?” 

“But in saying that you may only lie, are you not telling the truth?” and with that the demon simply popped, leaving behind only a smile pile of blue dust. 

“Well that leaves only one complaint, does anyone have anything to say in Pizza Pete’s defense?”

An elegant man in a tuxedo and top hat approached the podium. It was local man about town Julian Longfellow. 

“Julian, always a pleasure to see you standing before the council, what do you think of Pizza Pete’s?”

“Yo, my great great grandfather is one of the zombies employed at Pizza Pete’s and I gots to say I got mad respect for Dee Dee vortex and his crew. My gramps has found more fulfillment working there than anything he done since he died. He used to just sit around the mansion all day playing Call of Duty and shit but now he doing something with his afterlife. He proud to get up every day and go to work. Zombies used to be people too and they need jobs yall.”

A slow clap began that the back of the room and surged through the crowd. “Pizza Pete, Pizza Pete” they chanted. The mayor banged her gavel to quiet the room. 

"In light of these statements and the redacting of one complaint due to the true death, I see no reason to continue this discussion. Next topic please".